Kevin's Letter to the Remnant Magazine

Hello everyone! You know what's funny? Kevin's letter to the remnant! Do you know what else is funny? He didn't even write it! You know what's FUNNIEST? IT'S ALREADY IN THE MAIL!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a CHUMP! What a NAIF!
Kev if you get sponsored I want a cut.

KEVIN NOLAN WRITES TO THE REMNANT MAGAZINE FOR A SPONSORSHIP ON THE 2006 PILGRIMAGE...

Hello to everyone at the Remnant Magazine! Give yourselves a hand, I mean it.
My name is Kevin Nolan. I am 18 years of age and a young upstart. I am also a very devout Traditional Catholic, but I am in desperate need of something to jump-start my spiritual life. That’s why I am writing to you for a sponsorship! I know that I have a lot to learn about my religion, and I feel like I need to go on this pilgrimage. I also feel that because I am so young and impressionable, I would benefit the most from it. Don’t let the mould of my character be irreparably damaged because some drug dealer got to me first!

I come from a family of 15, which is reason enough for me to want to get away for awhile. Another reason is that I have never been outside of the country, and before I am exposed to the utter moral decay that is modern Europe, I would like the chance to experience France and Ireland unstained in all their original Catholic beauty. I am certain that any normal, un-Catholic experience with the other side of the Atlantic would leave me cynical and bitter towards the rest of the world, and most likely lead to either a spiraling depression or an addiction to 1940 foreign films. Perhaps both.

Now, before you label me a complete flake, I would just like to say that I have developed a deep devotion to the Latin Mass, even at my tender age. I have only been attending for just over a year, but it has truly become home to me. In fact, I cannot fathom the idea of NOT knowing the traditional mass! I realize now what I have missed all these years I did not attend, and the sorrow nearly tears my heart in two. But then I realize there is a remedy- I must go on this pilgrimage! To deny me this opportunity is to invite my certain death! Could you let this happen to me? NO! I beg of you! Don’t be the cause of my death! How could you live with yourself?

*ahem*

It would also be impossible for me to fund this trip in any other way. My family, friends, and parish are all economical midgets. My own humble job, while a spiritual gold-mine, produces little in the ways of marketable currency. However, I believe that I am the next Donald Trump, and before I become a multi-billionaire, I think that a long, hard pilgrimage would certainly give me the spiritual foundation I need to responsibly handle my future exorbitant wealth. In fact, I’ll bet it would no doubt make the difference between a rewarding, virtuous, and charitable life, and a decadent and dissolute one, filled with vice and perfidy. Furthermore, I would be most inclined to properly… reward… those friends and benefactors who provided financial aid when I needed most…

Lastly, I would be committing a sin of omission if I did not state that there were other, more selfish reasons, for my wanting to go on this pilgrimage. Namely, that I love the country of Ireland. I love the idea of drinking beer at the age of 18, and I absolutely LOVE the idea of meeting some hot, young Irish babe with a sexy brogue! Think about it! Well, okay don’t think TOO much about it, but what I’m getting at is, um, okay I don’t know what I’m getting at. Man, I am REALLY in need of some spiritual aid here! I mean, I have all this potential, all this spiritual energy, and I just need the proper guidance! I NEED to have the opportunity to walk the path of the righteous man!
I MUST GO ON THIS PILGRIMAGE.

Dearly beloved, I thank you for the time you have taken to read this letter. I know that many have asked you for sponsorship, in fact I know many of them personally. I implore you to ignore those beggardly wastrels! They might be more deserving than I am, they might be more spiritually inclined than I am, but I can guarantee you they aren’t as funny as I am! EH?! Admit it, I’ve got them beat hands down in that department! I’m a dadgum comedian is what I am! And this is me sober! Just imagine me in Ireland!

Soo…. if you, or anyone in that office, plans on going along on this pilgrimage, then you should ask yourself just one question: who would you rather have go along with you? Some boring retard? Or…. Me?

That’s what I thought. I’ll start packing.
Ciao.

PS – I would appreciate it if you passed this letter around and got a 1-10 scale rating. I’m thinking somewhere around a 10.



Kevin, I can't believe you! If you even get a response, I'll be surprised. If I worked at the remnant and got this letter, I would be shocked! In fact, I would be ROFL! I would be ROFL LMAO!